Wow, what a graceful slap in the face.

Ambivalence. Let's just take a moment here tonight everyone. Let's understand ambivalence, am·biv·a·lence/amˈbivələns/noun the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

It has been a year of many mixed feelings or contradictory ideas, am I right?

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Waking up next to my bestfriend, mentally planning a perfect day of the two of us going out for food and shopping. Peacefully getting ready, finally a day where nothing stressful is going on. 12:30 pm. *Ring* It's my mom. A few short moments later, I knew the night I spent relaxing watching movies and laughing, was going to be the last decent night for a long time. Rushing to the police station, where my mom is with my younger brother. -- what is happening--. Our social worker has decided it's no longer safe to be in our home, due to my father. We have a little over an hour to get back to the house to pack whatever we care enough about, and move it to a women's shelther for the night. --When did I forget to cherish every moment I had with important souls in my life?-- My mom has been torn between situations for years. What time is best, where we should go, how to make it a clean get away. Sooner than later, I learned there is never a right time in life. My older brothers on the next flight in, we are set to leave the next day. Within 24 hours, I have barely slept, running around the city saying goodbyes to the people and places that have imprinted on my heart for life. Best friends, boyfriend, teachers, my favourite coffee shop, the river down the street, bedroom full of nothing but memories. Those of which I avoid revisiting , and those that I wish I could live all over again. And in the few moments I have with myself, I have never walked so slowly through these streets of hidden treasures, green, and bonfires. I have never noticed until now, how much I had resented my home, but absolutely loved every piece of it's twisted story that I have now become a part of aswell. I knew there would be a day where I'd have to run, yet somehow I had always planned it weeks, months, years ahead from present day. I always convinced myself I could just deal with it, until I could take all I loved with me on my new chapter away from pain. A rude awakening came my way, as I found I couldn't grasp all I loved, I couldn't carry it all in one trip, I couldn't pack fast enough, I didn't have enough time to say what I wanted. And on that note, I left my city with my heart half empty, half shattered. I could feel it trying to crawl out of my throat to have even 5 more seconds surrounded by love.

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I cannot express the ambivalence I felt in the moment I found out I had to leave my home town within 2 days. I didn't know if it was sitting well in my stomach or not. If this was good for my own sake, or if it was going to ruin my view of life forever. As though I had been stamped with permanent contradictory. And to this day, I am constantly approaching every possible scenario that could happen in any given situation. A 17 year old, with a broken family beyond explanation, a broken heart, and somehow I had to reassure everyone else around me, except myself that everything was going to be just fine, and work out for the better in the end. I decieved my own body by letting my mouth confess to those around me that all is well, and all will be well. Every nerve in my body wanted to scream the opposite. On the 5 day trip in the car, my mind went through many stages. But the one that has stuck with me stronger than any other, was the stage of acceptance. I've always done well with being the bigger person, and understanding a situation and finding some form of peace throughout the painful times in my life, and in the lives of others. And during that stage of acceptance I wanted to know why I was willing to accept the new page opening in the book of my life.; Love. It was love that has always cushioned my fall. Because you see, even though 90% of my love was being ripped away from me withouth my consent, there was love awaiting me somewhere else. There was love right beside me. In the way the sun shined the moment I left the shelter, to warm me. In the way the cab driver comforted me on the way from a tim hortons, without him knowing anything about my life. There was love in the peaceful sleep I had, in less than 3 hours. In the energy I miraculously had to be on my feet from morning to night. There was love waiting to be released that day. Love that had been waiting for exactly a moment like that.

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There are going to be moments like this in your life. Huge moments, like mine written above. Or moments small enough to not be significant enough in your eyes, to share with others. And every single one of those moments are going to bring you some form of ambivalence. You're never going to know the right answer, and feel exactly what you either think you should, or what you want. Life is full of contradictory, sometimes we bring it upon ourselves, and sometimes it's thrown at us. It's all an obstacle. But with every obstacle, there is always something at the end waiting for you. And I'm here to tell you, that it's always love. Because love is not always sunshine and rainbows. It is tough. It is wise. It is seeking. And trust me when I say, it is the purest nurture you will receieve, if you allow yourself to see the big seeds of love, and most importantly the smaller seeds. It may have seemed to me in the moment, that I had no reason to appreciate love. When in reality, within every storm, every moment of unsureness there is bits and pieces waiting to be connected to show you the bigger picture, the meaningful picture. The one that matters. I had mixed feelings about everything in my life that day, and I can recall every feeling I felt that day aswell. And I know, I can't recall the feeling of giving up. I wanted the answer. I wanted to know how I was going to get through that time. And I knew right away it was love. When it leaves through a door, it comes in through a window. Until next time, XoxoSunshineDealer